Holla if ya need me.

I tried to imagine what you could be feeling. I tried to put myself in your shoes.  But i could never possibly know what you were feeling, or how it felt to be told something like that.  I was given the news...and then u went silent.  I panicked, i freaked out, partly because i was scared, but mostly because i was scared for you. I went into super must help must make it all better mode. But i shouldnt have. I wouldnt have helped. How could i? I thought that by talking to u, and distracting you and trying to get u to open up to me it would make things better. I was convinced that we would both cry and be sad and then turn it into a showering of i love you's and you make it worth whiles and have one of those sad but sweet, moments. I prepared myself to be drowned in sadness, ur sadness, i wanted to take it all away from you by having u spew it out, so i could carry it.I wanted to help you, like you help me, but again, i couldnt possibly do anything. I should have known.  You cut urself off so i left you alone, i figured u needed time like u said to focus on other things. It didnt bother me one bit. But when u came back id imagined ud be ready, that ud be close to being ready to talk. But u werent. Id never encountered this before. Such definite unwanting. Usually id pry and pry until the person finally got tired of fighting and broke down and told me. But i couldnt bring myself to do that. So i asked you wat u wanted me to do. I asked you how i could best help you.  And you said something i again wasnt prepared for. You said i couldnt. I felt like no number of i love u baby's or im here you can talk to me's were enough, or what you even wanted. I felt helpless, because the one thing i vowed to always do,( keep u happy) i couldnt. There was no way, it was out of my hands. i asked you wat u wanted me to do and u said u didnt want me to do anything, what could i do. and i said say i love you talk to u be here for you, everything i usually do. And you said rite, u usually do nothing different. so saying it now wont have any different effect. i cant explain how that made me feel. Like all those times i had said i love you to make you feel better, had been for nothing, because apparently it wouldnt help now because that woudlnt have a different effect. you said you were gettin nothing but prayers and tears from family and friends, like u expected to get anything different. What are we supposed to do, tell u we arent afraid, tell u oh dude have fun.  When i find out that the love of my life is being sent to one of the most dangerous places in the world how am i supposed to react, how am i supposed to feel. better yet tell me how u want me to act.  Ill do it. As long as u dont cut me off. Ill be as fake as u want me to be and ill pretend like i didnt cry for hours, ill pretend like i didnt pray 20 times, ill pretend like i wont miss u, if it makes u feel better.  But dont act cold towards me, just because i love u soo much that i wanted to and wished to be able to be some sort of safe haven from your problems... because wen im sad all i need is u, i get it, u dont want that right now....im backing off...im stepping back....holla if you need me.