Limbo

I don't know what to think. Im hating how i feel.  You pick my heart up in the nick of time to save me, but then toss it back in the dirt.  I love you, but thats not enough it seems.  I just look back on the dreams i had of our kids swinging, and me singing and i run my fingers through your hair.  but the way you treat me isnt fair. why did you take me, to keep me? or to break me? Your words and actions betray you because they aren't one in the same, and who's to blame,  I can't see straight anymore cuz my feelings are all wrapped up in my mind, my concept of time has failed me. I don't know how to feel loved anymore. I don't know what its like not to worry that today might be the last you have with the one you love.  How am i supposed to get my life on track when i can't even get my heart in check.  You raise me up and then drop me, help me rise again and then prop me, on a broken promise.  You promised to never hurt me, if you want to leave just do it, don't string it out.  Be honest with me, i promise I won't shout, ill accept it and walk away quietly...but these scenarios arent working...im still hurting, and thats what u tried to avoid.  The easiest way to make amends is to bend and show me you mean it, genuine emotion love, its been a while since ive seen it. go out of your way for me and play for me, the sweet song of compassion.  I am rolling in uncertainty and its a prison.  not sure what your plan is, but im wishin, that you will make up your mind and hold me close like u did at first, or cut me loose. cuz this noose is tightening, and i am scarred from fighting...tired of trying to be loved by you, its that simple...it was that simple...love me...do you know what love is, i dont think you do...prove to me that the words you say is true...write me a letter or a poem or two..tell me what you think love is....and what i mean to you....cuz my heart is fading...and i am debating...on how long i should keep waiting..

My boyfriends always tell me i am the best girlfriend they have ever had, i never cheat or do them wrong, im not bitchy or bossy....but thinks go awry. i dont get it.

Saw one of my exboyfriends today. He was still dating the girl he cheated on me with she had gained about 70 pounds and she was 9 months pregnant wearing house shoes a ratty tshirt and some sweat pants. I first noticed them when i heard a shouting match across from Avalon Exchange in the loop. He was calling her a B and she was calling him worthless.  He noticed me and quickly shuffled over to say hello.  After about 5 minutes and 10 tries to get away from him he asks if my number is still the same and says we should reconnect.  I laughed and said you made your bed huney now lay in it.  I got a text 20 minutes ago with him apologizing and saying he made a mistake. i accepted his apology. He said I should have given you the world instead of giving you away.  I smiled and thought to myself, thats what they all say.

theres never a good goodbye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4E7dwSfPWUo&feature=relmfu

My ex's mother told me this and said it was a secret

Sometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they love each other. And then its up to fate and getting past frustration and feelings for them to fall back together.

On da real

I know exactly what i want from life.
I feel bad for those who don't.
Its a liberating feeling. No matter what happens, at the end of the day im the only person in control of me. I say what i want, feel what i want and do what i want. I will follow my heart to the ends of the earth, because it will never steer me wrong.

Reflections

You imagine yourself in the future and you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you often rush because you want to start the rest of your life as soon as possible.

Nobody is perfect, someone once told me that my flaws made me beautiful, now i dont know if i can accept that anymore.

I may not ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me again, but just know that your happiness means more to me then it probably should.  I wanted to make you happy, but now i have to settle for the fact that its not my place anymore, so whatever brings you joy or whoever brings you joy i support it and wish you the best.

Sometimes you wait for people to just spring out of nowhere and say the perfect thing at the perfect time like in the movies.  The hardest part is waiting for it to happen.  I should probably stop waiting...should i?

So i can go back to bootcamp. this is a big decision. life is full of challenges and what defines what kind of person we are is how we handle them.

 God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thoughts of the day.

when im loud and out in the open people tell me to be quiet
but when im quiet people ask me whats wrong with me.

Im going to disappear for a while, i deactivated my facebook because i know myself and i know that i dont have the will power to not tell people how i feel about them, i wonder if they will miss me. i didnt deactivate it to be childish i did it as a means of self preservation....a way to hopefully quiet or atleast calm the storm that is raging inside my head and my heart.  I know there isnt a way to stop it and make the sunny skies shine again, so im just gunna enjoy the rain....

im leaving town....not sure how long im going to be gone, my cousin Jalise and my mom and my sister stajah know where i am going.  Stajah is the only one who knows how i am feeling nd shes the only person i would ever trust in relaying my feelings.


I have PTSD......it sucks......i relive my last hospital experience atleast twice a day......I wrote down in my journal a reminder to smile atleast once, some days are better then others.  Ive dealt with this all the best i could alone, and i dont intend on talking about it much to anyone....

suicide is a selfish thing....yesterday someone told me i need to be selfish...i dont think thats what they meant...even if i were to happen to cause my own death...it wouldnt be by choice..it would be a sudden moment of really sad feelings that i couldnt control i wouldnt wanna do it, but then again ptsd makes u do alot of things that have negative effects, like the isolation and the loss of interest...i combat those sometimes by forcing myself to do things as a distraction, but that only lasts so long...

I have a puppy, i named him biscuit.

im getting an apartment.

i refuse to let guys touch me

i am tired...so im going to bed.... leaving STL tomorrow.

A penny for my thoughts

today i will simply say, I am worth my weight in gold....and then some.

My life in songs.

My past few hardships have brought a few songs to mind The lyrics speak to me in alot of different ways.

(Speaks for itself, very powerful)
 Lost Ones-J Cole 

 Can I live- Nick Cannon
 (What i wish he'd say to me)
 Never knew I needed - Neyo

You know that I love you- Donnell Jones 

Lately- Tyrese

More than you'll ever know- Boyz II Men

Find my way back - Jaheim

Can't let go- Anthony Hamilton
 (what i wonder if he listened to)

Possibilities- Timothy Bloom

 (wish he'd listen to)

Make it work- Neyo

Must be nice - Lyfe Jennings
 (How i'm feeling)

Me Myself and I- Beyonce 

Four words from a heartbreak- Heather Headley

Dont leave me- Blackstreet

I never wanna live without you- Mary J. Blige

1+1- Beyonce

Fool of me- Me'Shell NdegeOcello

Till the end of time- Timothy Bloom

I've Changed- Jaheim Keyshia Cole

 (Whats getting me through it )

Father can you hear me now - the movie Diary of a Mad Black woman

Imagine me- Kirk Franklin

Can't give up now -Mary Mary


(A song with secret meaning about my health)

Angels on the Moon- Thriving Ivory

i am

 Whenever you read a word or phrase, think of a time, memory or thing about me that embodies that word.  Try and visualize the moment when that word was soo clear in your mind.


Irreplacable.

One of a kind.

Someone to be cherished.

Strong

Beautiful

Passionate

Sensitive

Quirky

Someone you could open up to.

Someone you'd never wanna lose.

Stubborn

Confused

Mad

Jealous

Sweet

Understanding

Selfish

Flawed

Sickly

Loving despite the obvious trouble and turmoil

Loyal

Restless

Happy

Genuine

Sacrifice

Amazing quote I thought i'd share :)

He's not perfect. You aren't either, and the two of you will never be perfect.  But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can,  He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.  Don't hurt him, don't change him, and don't expect more than he can give.  Don't analyze.  Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he's not there.  Love hard when there is love to be had.  Because perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy that is perfect for you

                                                                                                                   - Bob Marley

Things that will make me happy right now.

Petting a llama
Someone calling me beautiful
A 2 year calendar that i can mark off the days with
A puppy
An appetite
Pictures of llamas
Fresh flowers
ANYTHING PIKACHU!!!
Lingerie
 A llama stuffed animal
Going on a roadtrip
Going on a cruise
A green tea frappachino
Any random, thinking of you type gift
A new pair of shoes
Getting my hair done.
A late night conversation
A poem about me, or a love note or a message from a loved one

If you love someone let them go,

A song has been stuck in my head all day

I figured id post the lyrics so that maybe i could get it out of my head, and find some clarity.

Its I will always love you by Whitney Huston haha its kinda fitting for what im going through right now.

If I should stay,

  I would only be in your way.

  So I'll go,

 but I know

  I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way.
And I will always love you.

  I will always love you.

  You, my darling you. Hmm.

Bittersweet memories

  that is all I'm taking with me.

  So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.

  We both know I'm not what you, you need.

And I will always love you

I will always love you

I hope life treats you kind  

And I hope you have all you've dreamed of

And I wish to you, joy and happiness.  

But above all this, I wish you love.

Its impossible for me not to think about this, so im gunna try and stay as busy as someone on bedrest can get, to distract myself from the thoughts racing through my mind.  Dropping every feeling isnt something I ever prepared to have to do, but i am strong, and will do whats necessary to survive.  Im checking myself in to the hospital there is a problem i promised id resolve and im trying to keep that promise.  God never fails and I know i will be ok.  Take your time, think things through, and do what you need to do.  I will be here when you do, because my love is true.

The stars shine brightly tonight.

Its amazing how mortal we can feel if we just simply stare at the moon.

Overworked

My babe, bless his heart. He works so hard at what he does.  It seems he never gets a break, and I know im no help.  I gotta focus on dealing with my worries and insecurities on my own, cuz he doesnt need that stress.  I know he must tire of having to reassure me.  I get tired of having to be reassured.  But he loves me inspite of our adversities. And i can't find it in me to push him away.  Something im so used to doing.  I have alot of love to give, and I'm giving it all to him.  He wants all of me, the good the bad and the ugly, and ill give it.  In the words of the immortal Marilyn Monroe- "If you can't handle me at my worse, then you don't deserve me at my best" and he's pretty much seen my worst.  Anger sadness depression....ive bared it all and he just keeps on loving me.  My heart swells with adoration and affection.  I can't wait till the day I can open my eyes and see him smiling back at me.  The moments I share with him are so special.  It was so natural, so easy, not forced at all.  Just pure simple love.  I just can't get over the way he catered to me and took care of me when i was sick.  That is love, That is deep.  That is my husband to be.  This man, this man, this man, he sends me to the moon. He is my shining star, my guiding light, my one and only.  And I am his.  I am confident that this man would never forsake me.  I am damn sure he would never try to hurt me.  This man has a heart too big for his chest....ooo his chest...don't get me started....and his back....sigh i get weak at the thought. He carries so many troubles, struggles and burdens on his back, I wonder if he'll ever trust me enough to let me carry some of them for him.  I wonder if he already does.  He is so strong, every kind of strength, this....man....exudes.  A man...this man...my man.  Ladies be jealous, because ive caught me a keeper. A rare kind of guy that happens to be absolutley wonderfull, who stands on his own two feet and accomplishes the nearly impossible , all while putting up with sooo much shit from everybody around him. Im guilty of it myself, but im learning the err of my ways, because i do not wanna lose him. I dont wanna lose the one person that i'd be lost without.  I wish looking at pics of me or hearing my voice could destress you, but i know, pictures and skype calls are nothing compared to kisses and being embraced, we are doing something that most relationships can't handle.  Long distance is one of those dangerous relationship plagues that drives people apart. but the distance is molding us into a stronger couple, because if we can handle the usual relationship troubles when we are apart, imagine how easy and carefree it'll be when we are together.....sigh....i love you....i love you i cant say it enough baby i deep soul type love you.  The day i take your name will be the best, day of my life, rivaling only, the moment we embraced in okinawa. its getting late, and im sure you are busy :) but i love you baby Mwah take care

Dear son, I love your father

You are too young to understand this right now, and you probably will never even read this, but its been on my mind.  I have so much hope for your future.  I have never met you, but ive fallen in love with the idea of you.  Im a sucker for babies already, but the fact that you are a part of him, the fact that he loves you makes you that much more special.  And believe me he loves you soooo much.  I know its hard not having him there, but believe me he wants nothing more than to be with you, and he will be soon.  You are a blessing in every form of the word. I am not your mom, but trust me when i say, ill do everything in my power so that u feel that type of love and devotion from me.  You have a mother who loves you with everything she's got. I don't wish to replace her at all, i only want to add on to the love and be there for you if you ever need me.  I Love your Father soo much. I think you will understand because you are a part of him.  I feel like he is a part of me. I hope to be a part of your life and be someone you feel like you can trust.  I want to marry your father. and i want you to be the ring bearer, in your little tux. I hope to be able to give you little brothers and sisters, for you to protect and play with. Things are a little rocky at the moment but i have faith. Your Dad and I arent perfect but we are trying.  Thats all you can do fat man, is try try and never give up. You gotta keep pushing until you get to where you want to be. So KayLeb, i know that you have a bright future ahead of you. Always strive to be better and never settle for anything less then you deserve. I love your father....and because of that, i love you.

_ Love Victoria

impossible Decision

Keep my mouth shut and worry nonstop be confused and have unanswered questions.

or

Ask questions, risk you thinking something bad about me, or taking it the wrong way, getting mad, yelling at me, us arguing, telling me I always trip and you leave.



it shouldnt be like that, where im afraid that if i try to talk to you ill get a bad response. but i love u too much to speak up some time.

but there is always a light after the storm......

at the same time sometimes i feel like im bugging too because i know u do so much for me, u do more than enough, but some of the things you do and say make me uncomfortable.  REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE!. should i sacrifice my comfort for avoiding an argument...

fool of me

Feelin like im not enough, because I never am
in these rough sees ill always be because in rolling water ive always swam
I want to trust but life makes it hard to be
cuz all ive got are I, myself am, me
why others always enter my space, it seems to break
to injure an already wounded animal
yes an animal
I dont understand....
you see im broken
so just treat me right and be a man...My man
I didnt think there was fine print to relationships
i lay down my rules in plain sight
but toes and finger tips are always crossing the line
if wat i ask is too much, give me a sign
and then i kindly show u too the door
cuz i promised i wouldnt take shit anymore
it tears my heart to think to leave
but if you are unhappy then i wish ud say
you say u love me, i know u love me, you say it a billion times a day
but actions speak louder then words,
gathering women in herds
leading them to your pasture
but all the while wanting me to stay
it doesnt work like that
you Can have your cake and eat it too
 im covered in frosting just for you
but i guess you dont like my cooking
I trust, Because i have the choice to.
Pick and choose who gets the honor
most who get it, have lost it before they even knew they had it
and most who have it, loose it because they just dont get it
they dont get that they can't chose when they want to uphold my honor
love is a full time job, if ur a part time worker, then this isnt the place for you.
do u need validation from other women
is that part of your insecurity
the more you swoon the better you feel about yourself?
or was this really just your brain shutting off for a while
you forgetting everything we have. everything we've made
you made a fool of me
baby look me in the eye
and tell me why
I miss you like the ending day misses the sunrise
I love you like a sacrificial lamb that walks up and lays down to be slaughtered
i'd give you everything....i gave you my everything....
was it enough, i almost feel like ill never know
trust is a hard thing to earn, but its even harder to get back after its been lost
the difference here is i want to trust
i want it feverishly, i must
i must keep you in my life
im laying here bare breasted, open chested
my heart is beating for you, its singing through my skin
i love u show me..

What I love most

Anytime when we are alone... just me and u. Gazing at eachother, being lost in the moment.

Late at night when we are both sleepy, but neither wants to be the first to close their eyes.

When neither of us want to fight so we just apologize and say i love you a billion times.

When you only have 5 minutes in between work but you msg me anyway just to say I love you.

Your laugh, it is infectious, even if im mad, when you laugh i lose all bearing and find myself laughing along with you

When im sick and weak and you tell me how beautiful I am.

to be continued....

Holla if ya need me.

I tried to imagine what you could be feeling. I tried to put myself in your shoes.  But i could never possibly know what you were feeling, or how it felt to be told something like that.  I was given the news...and then u went silent.  I panicked, i freaked out, partly because i was scared, but mostly because i was scared for you. I went into super must help must make it all better mode. But i shouldnt have. I wouldnt have helped. How could i? I thought that by talking to u, and distracting you and trying to get u to open up to me it would make things better. I was convinced that we would both cry and be sad and then turn it into a showering of i love you's and you make it worth whiles and have one of those sad but sweet, moments. I prepared myself to be drowned in sadness, ur sadness, i wanted to take it all away from you by having u spew it out, so i could carry it.I wanted to help you, like you help me, but again, i couldnt possibly do anything. I should have known.  You cut urself off so i left you alone, i figured u needed time like u said to focus on other things. It didnt bother me one bit. But when u came back id imagined ud be ready, that ud be close to being ready to talk. But u werent. Id never encountered this before. Such definite unwanting. Usually id pry and pry until the person finally got tired of fighting and broke down and told me. But i couldnt bring myself to do that. So i asked you wat u wanted me to do. I asked you how i could best help you.  And you said something i again wasnt prepared for. You said i couldnt. I felt like no number of i love u baby's or im here you can talk to me's were enough, or what you even wanted. I felt helpless, because the one thing i vowed to always do,( keep u happy) i couldnt. There was no way, it was out of my hands. i asked you wat u wanted me to do and u said u didnt want me to do anything, what could i do. and i said say i love you talk to u be here for you, everything i usually do. And you said rite, u usually do nothing different. so saying it now wont have any different effect. i cant explain how that made me feel. Like all those times i had said i love you to make you feel better, had been for nothing, because apparently it wouldnt help now because that woudlnt have a different effect. you said you were gettin nothing but prayers and tears from family and friends, like u expected to get anything different. What are we supposed to do, tell u we arent afraid, tell u oh dude have fun.  When i find out that the love of my life is being sent to one of the most dangerous places in the world how am i supposed to react, how am i supposed to feel. better yet tell me how u want me to act.  Ill do it. As long as u dont cut me off. Ill be as fake as u want me to be and ill pretend like i didnt cry for hours, ill pretend like i didnt pray 20 times, ill pretend like i wont miss u, if it makes u feel better.  But dont act cold towards me, just because i love u soo much that i wanted to and wished to be able to be some sort of safe haven from your problems... because wen im sad all i need is u, i get it, u dont want that right now....im backing off...im stepping back....holla if you need me.

Earnest

Adjective

[ur . nist]

origin: german, old english

fervent, intent, purposeful, determined, industrious, ambitious, resolute, serious, sincere  having a purpose and being steadily and soberly eager in pursuing it:  adds a quality of determination: resolute in defending the right.  it may include the qualities of both earnestness and resolution: serious and thoughtful. genuineness, trustworthiness the love of my life the one and only the beginning of my future

Breakup

Hang up your vices its time to go home
put on your hat and leave me alone
button your coat and put on your shoes
take all your things but leave all the booze
dont look back there is no romance
no frantic last look or loving last glance
just walk right on out and please close the door
and do leave the key, its not urs anymore
take all your stuff it covers the stairs
your cheap musk cologne your belongings and wares
 leave my abode and dont you come back
the locks will be changed so hit the road jack
dont try and explain i do not wanna hear
dont touch my face or tuck hair behind my ear
you aint welcome no more so wont u go home
please baby begone
please leave me alone

The one...

No matter how hard i try to distract myself,
 no matter how hard i try not to think about you,
i find reminders of your loving embrace everywhere,
 when i curl up in the sheets at night
 i imagine they are your arms wrapped tightly around me keeping me safe and warm,
 in the summertime when i watch the sunset late in the evening,
 the warm wind gives me goose bumps feeling just like your breath on my neck, when i turn off the tv after trying to blot out pictures of you,
 Your beautiful face is all i can see,
  when i close my eyes and fall asleep
 i pray to god that when i wake up youll be there smiling back at me,
 when the music stops playing and the world grows empty and silent
 ill still be alive striving to survive with memories of you flowing through my head like a river of undieing devotion keeping a steady beat in my heart and a hopeful spirit in my mind