Thoughts of the day.

when im loud and out in the open people tell me to be quiet
but when im quiet people ask me whats wrong with me.

Im going to disappear for a while, i deactivated my facebook because i know myself and i know that i dont have the will power to not tell people how i feel about them, i wonder if they will miss me. i didnt deactivate it to be childish i did it as a means of self preservation....a way to hopefully quiet or atleast calm the storm that is raging inside my head and my heart.  I know there isnt a way to stop it and make the sunny skies shine again, so im just gunna enjoy the rain....

im leaving town....not sure how long im going to be gone, my cousin Jalise and my mom and my sister stajah know where i am going.  Stajah is the only one who knows how i am feeling nd shes the only person i would ever trust in relaying my feelings.


I have PTSD......it sucks......i relive my last hospital experience atleast twice a day......I wrote down in my journal a reminder to smile atleast once, some days are better then others.  Ive dealt with this all the best i could alone, and i dont intend on talking about it much to anyone....

suicide is a selfish thing....yesterday someone told me i need to be selfish...i dont think thats what they meant...even if i were to happen to cause my own death...it wouldnt be by choice..it would be a sudden moment of really sad feelings that i couldnt control i wouldnt wanna do it, but then again ptsd makes u do alot of things that have negative effects, like the isolation and the loss of interest...i combat those sometimes by forcing myself to do things as a distraction, but that only lasts so long...

I have a puppy, i named him biscuit.

im getting an apartment.

i refuse to let guys touch me

i am tired...so im going to bed.... leaving STL tomorrow.

A penny for my thoughts

today i will simply say, I am worth my weight in gold....and then some.

My life in songs.

My past few hardships have brought a few songs to mind The lyrics speak to me in alot of different ways.

(Speaks for itself, very powerful)
 Lost Ones-J Cole 

 Can I live- Nick Cannon
 (What i wish he'd say to me)
 Never knew I needed - Neyo

You know that I love you- Donnell Jones 

Lately- Tyrese

More than you'll ever know- Boyz II Men

Find my way back - Jaheim

Can't let go- Anthony Hamilton
 (what i wonder if he listened to)

Possibilities- Timothy Bloom

 (wish he'd listen to)

Make it work- Neyo

Must be nice - Lyfe Jennings
 (How i'm feeling)

Me Myself and I- Beyonce 

Four words from a heartbreak- Heather Headley

Dont leave me- Blackstreet

I never wanna live without you- Mary J. Blige

1+1- Beyonce

Fool of me- Me'Shell NdegeOcello

Till the end of time- Timothy Bloom

I've Changed- Jaheim Keyshia Cole

 (Whats getting me through it )

Father can you hear me now - the movie Diary of a Mad Black woman

Imagine me- Kirk Franklin

Can't give up now -Mary Mary


(A song with secret meaning about my health)

Angels on the Moon- Thriving Ivory

i am

 Whenever you read a word or phrase, think of a time, memory or thing about me that embodies that word.  Try and visualize the moment when that word was soo clear in your mind.


Irreplacable.

One of a kind.

Someone to be cherished.

Strong

Beautiful

Passionate

Sensitive

Quirky

Someone you could open up to.

Someone you'd never wanna lose.

Stubborn

Confused

Mad

Jealous

Sweet

Understanding

Selfish

Flawed

Sickly

Loving despite the obvious trouble and turmoil

Loyal

Restless

Happy

Genuine

Sacrifice

Amazing quote I thought i'd share :)

He's not perfect. You aren't either, and the two of you will never be perfect.  But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can,  He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.  Don't hurt him, don't change him, and don't expect more than he can give.  Don't analyze.  Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he's not there.  Love hard when there is love to be had.  Because perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy that is perfect for you

                                                                                                                   - Bob Marley

Things that will make me happy right now.

Petting a llama
Someone calling me beautiful
A 2 year calendar that i can mark off the days with
A puppy
An appetite
Pictures of llamas
Fresh flowers
ANYTHING PIKACHU!!!
Lingerie
 A llama stuffed animal
Going on a roadtrip
Going on a cruise
A green tea frappachino
Any random, thinking of you type gift
A new pair of shoes
Getting my hair done.
A late night conversation
A poem about me, or a love note or a message from a loved one